How to Communicate: 101

How to Communicate: 101 By far the most critical issue married people say they have when they come to my office in Colorado Springs for help is, “we don’t know how to communicate.”   Although communication is a key factor in marriage, it typically is not the biggest issue. After a few sessions, we will usually discover that the issue lies much deeper, and the married couple finds themselves dealing with a bigger problem than they anticipated. Dealing with these foundational issues is the most ...

How to Communicate: Expressing Feelings

How to Communicate: Expressing Feelings The first and very important aspect of expressing feelings, explained in detail in THIS BLOG, is how to observe another without putting your own evaluations on it. One cannot communicate effectively without first listening to the others’ perspective. Once the other person feels understood, you will notice the intensity of emotion both in you and in them will be much less. The second part to successful communication is expressing your own feelings. This one can be difficult. I used to only ...

What Would You Do if You Were Married to Josh Dugger or Jerod Fogel?

What Would You Do if You Were Married to Josh Dugger or Jerod Fogel? Ashley Madison security breach; people are amazed. Famous people get caught like Josh Dugger, Jerod Fogel, and Tiger Woods; people are surprised and disgusted. I am surprised by how surprised we all are! Lots of these famous people have been inspiring role models who fell into a terrible lifestyle and were caught right in front of America’s eyes, ouch! Unfortunately, in my line of work, I see this all too often with many people who are inspiring role models, no ...

How to Grieve for the Oregon Shooting and so Much More

How to Grieve for the Oregon Shooting and so Much More On October 1st, 2015, ten young and beautiful lives walked into Oregon’s Umpqua Community College and never walked out. Ten lives, including the shooter, which had boundless potential for either great good or great destruction. It is easy to get mixed up in the flurry of opinions around the tragedy, yet we must recognize that the most important and heart breaking word of the previous sentence is the word “had”. The anger and pain of injustice scream within us because ...

How to face death and destruction without losing your mind

How to face death and destruction without losing your mind *Some details have been changed to protect the individual’s identity. “I watched them get murdered and I didn’t use.” she said. Her face wore an expression like she couldn’t believe she had actually stayed sober. The gun man had been on foot, causing bloodshed, leaving our town with four less souls in it that night, including his own. Emma had wrestled with addiction to heroin for 6 years and had only been sober for a little less than 6 months when she ...

Abusive Relationships: Closer than you think

Abusive Relationships: Closer than you think Abuse is a word that carries a lot of weight. When I think of abuse, I think of a little puppy who was left in a kennel for too long without food and water and looks sick with scurvy. When I think of abuse, I think of a little child who was sexually assaulted. Abuse does look like those things, but it looks a lot more familiar too. The definition of abuse is “any unwanted action taken against another person.” ...

Be Worthy of Your Sufferings

Be Worthy of Your Sufferings The Russian writer and philosopher Dostoyevsky once said, “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” We can recognize the weight of this idea easily enough, but when placed in the context of the holocaust (as it was in Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning), this thought becomes profound. Imagine being starved and beaten for months on end and still holding to this idea! Recently I had a less noble version of this ...

Real Men DO Cry

Real Men DO Cry Whether you heard it from your father, brother, friends, or society as a whole, every man has felt the pressure to hide his vulnerability, namely tears. Either intentionally or accidentally, mankind is taught the rules of the animal kingdom: show no pain, otherwise you are a target. Thus, pain, suffering, or the growth that results from breaking and then healing, is sorely undervalued. Since suffering looks like weakness, we men avoid it strongest since our gender is supposed to represent ...

Seriously, Don’t Face Your Fears

Seriously, Don’t Face Your Fears There is a problem with the traditional way we think about facing our fears. Take the following metaphor to help us understand why: A man stands in the center of a perfectly dark and empty room. The man has lived in this room all his life and has never seen the light of day. In the complete darkness, a small but bright light begins to shine on the far side of the room, about 20 feet away. At first, the ...

I Hate Fake people!

I Hate Fake people! I’ve heard the phrase “I hate fake people” a lot, and yes, I’ve said it a lot. Fake people are the worst! You know the type: those people who are always spewing out lies and constantly talking about themselves, presenting themselves as something other than who they really are. We can see right through them, and I get this icky feeling that grows in my stomach when I’m around them. Weather I like it or not, I have been this type ...